Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
You Might Also Like
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Previously On Persistence 😎
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror