Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
You Might Also Like
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30