The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
those birds must be on payroll
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.