Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
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Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes