Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
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My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
dream blunt rotation
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Who says great literature is dead?
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
this is 10/10 content no notes
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.