Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
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According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
umm…
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…