My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.