[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
When you don’t understand how floors work
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.