The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
You Might Also Like
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Me, flirting😏
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
NASA has no chill
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates