“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
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What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.