Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now