Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
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I like my jims slim and my chances fat
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
jesus christ confetti not now
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.