COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
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[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
But wait…
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.