Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
cats when you pet them too long:
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.