Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
You Might Also Like
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me, reading some of your tweets
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat