damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
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Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
when there are deer in the woods
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.