Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
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Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Poetry is my passion
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*