[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
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At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”