It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
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My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro