Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
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Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
How I’d get arrested…
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
philosophical skeletons be like
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.