Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
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I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”