Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
You Might Also Like
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.