did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
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“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My favorite female superhero
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m about to risk it all
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.