If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.