Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
You Might Also Like
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
a lot to unpack here
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.