man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…