Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
You Might Also Like
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.