Can’t, holding a grudge
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Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”