“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
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Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.