And bowling should be called pinball
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Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Sheep
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren