roman lesbians: *caesaring*
You Might Also Like
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.