*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
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There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
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