I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
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“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
🤣😂🤣
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies