As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
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Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
FRED: right
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’