*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
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Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.