“you changed” bro i was 15
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I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
sigh
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Swedish for common sense.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?