Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
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My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
where do you see yourself in five years?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.