Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.