Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
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Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*