My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
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APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
If only
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days