My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*