[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
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Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
lost dog
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!