Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.