WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
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[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
The Wolf of Wall Street.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals