I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
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[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”