Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
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oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
How did we decide to go with cockpit?