My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
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Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.