11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
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*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Milk Cube
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
APOLOGISE NOW!!!