Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
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Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.