Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
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The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
*pronounces surface like Versace*
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.